On Femininity

I was recently reading an article about a queer woman in the Sunday New York Times. It caught my eye because I have difficulty understanding the modern definition of “queer” – and maybe that is how it is supposed to be; the very essence of queerness, it seems, is that it does not fit nicely along the sex/gender spectrum. We live in a bi-lateral universe – male/female; gay/straight; man/woman; black/white. Queerness throws that universe off its axis and sends it hurdling into unknown space.

The author of the article was born female and identified as a heterosexual female, but not necessarily as a woman. She explained that she hated her womanly body, hated her breasts because they screamed to the world that she was a WOMAN and therefore you should treat her differently than you do a man. Because of this, she would bind her chest and give her hair a buzz-cut; she would wear men’s jeans to hide her hips and men’s shirts to hide what even the tightest chest binder could not fully eliminate. Eventually, she had a double mastectomy. Not because she had cancer, although she had prayed for it in order to have what society deemed an acceptable reason for one, but because she truly hated her breasts. She wanted to appear androgynous.

I’ll be blunt: I love my breasts. To quote Teri Hatcher from her guest role on Seinfeld, “they’re real and they’re spectacular”. My breasts have always been good to me, balancing out my lower body and enhancing my figure, even when it was less of an hourglass and more potato shaped. My breasts make me feel feminine, which is easy – I love all things feminine – as well as beautiful, which is not so easy because I struggle with body dysmorphia; where others see beauty, I see flaws. Except with my breasts; my breasts are perfect, and I cannot imagine what it would be like to go through life hating something that is so essentially a part of me.

Reading – and re-reading – the aforementioned NYT article gave me a better understanding of the how and why this woman did not want to look feminine, an attitude that used to offend me, an attitude that felt like a slap in my face because I prize and revel in my own femininity. I am not just one of the guys. Nor do I wish to be one of the guys. Yes, I am woman, hear me "ROAR!" but I am also a lady and it is a balance that is becoming more and more difficult to preserve in a world that demands we choose to be either/or and not both.

I’ll accept you just as you are if you accept me just as I am. Deal?

KJM.

06.18.2018

Adventures In Retail Shopping

There is a lot of talk about how the Internet is killing brick and mortar stores, due to the convenience (laziness?) offered through online shopping. Sites like Amazon and Wayfair allow people to shop from the comfort of their own home, often at a lower price than physical stores can offer.

The reasons for my online shopping preference are simple: I love receiving a package, and I love being able to try it on for size in the comfort of my own home. I love not having to lug around armfuls of clothes and wait my turn to use a 3' x 5' fitting room with bad lighting and three way mirrors to see just how large my butt looks. (Three way mirrors make all butts look huge. I am pretty sure even Rob Lowe's butt looks ginormous in a three way mirror).

A so-so hockey movie featuring Rob Lowe's naked butt

I also love not having to deal with clothes left all over the wall hooks (and the seating...and the floor) by prior patrons who couldn't be bothered to hang their items on the "No Thank You" rack provided. Most of all, I love not having young children try and peek through the slats of the louver doors or (worse!) crawl underneath the adjacent stall into mine. (Go check out the clothing rack, kids!).

As there are exceptions to every rule - and rules to every exception - there is one thing I hate buying online: shoes. I'll explain why.

Women's clothing and shoe designs are not like men's. If a man is a 36 waist in Tommy Hilfiger he will be a 36 waist in Levi's. He will always be a 36 waist. He doesn't even need to try on the pants on question to know they will fit! On the other hand, every women's designer has their own fit - one designer's size 8 is another's size 12 - and if you want to know the actual waist/hip measurements, you will have to find that designer's size chart - so loyalty to certain designers is crucial when putting together a great wardrobe with a minimum of tears (because the words "I think I need this in a larger size" are words few women will happliy utter). For clothing, my loyalty is to Ralph Lauren (for office to evening), MSK (for cocktail and dinner dresses), and Levi Strauss for pretty much everywhere else. When it comes to shoes, I know no loyalty to any one designer; if the shoe is cute, fits comfortably, and I can walk in it I want it! Unfortunately, women's shoe designers offer the same fit as women's clothing designers. I have small feet - they are exactly 9" long. By standard measurements, that is a size 6.5 US/35.5 EUR.

As you can see from the chart, each 1/2 size is 1/3" larger than the previous size. This should make shoe shopping simple, but it is apparent that many designers do not use standard sizing, even among their own products, as I have shoes from one designer ranging from a size 6.5 to a size 8 - that is a full one-inch difference, which is pretty significant [insert crude locker room joke here]. Thus why I had to venture to the shoe department at Macy's yesterday. It was an adventure, to say the least.

When I arrived in the shoe department by way of designer dresses I wanted to buy but do not need (another reason to stay out of the store!), there were several customers and few sales associates. There was a screaming toddler running rampant through the department and using the long, vinyl covered benches as Slip 'n' Slides, weaving in and out between customers and narrowly missing the displays of spike-heeled Nine Wests with every landing. While I gave her points for style, I decided to steer clear as I was carrying two dresses I had brought with me from home (I needed to find shoes to go with them) and did not want to see them impaled by a flying stiletto. This detour brought me to the Clearance section, where I found an almost perfect pair of metallic light jade green pumps. 

Simple, yet elegant!

It was here in the Clearance section where things got interesting...

While comparing the color of the shoe to the color of my dress, a woman walked up to me and attempted to take my dress out of my arms! The following exchange occurred:

Me: EXCUSE ME? [You have to imagine me giving her the "piercing blue eyes of death glare from Hell" that I usually reserve for men who attempt to grab me on public transit]

Her: I was just looking!

Me: Then do you mind removing your hands from my dress?

My dress!

Her: I was just looking! This dress is the exact color dress I want! Where did you find it?

Me: In my bedroom closet. [The tags had been removed and it was off-hanger. There was no mistaking it for one from the store racks].

Her: Oh. Did you bring it from home?

Me: Obviously. Now please give it back [she was still holding onto it]

Her: Where did you buy it? Did you get it here?

Me: Yes, several months ago. It is no longer available for sale [I actually bought it several sizes too small and dieted for six months to fit into it. I am VERY possessive of this dress!]. 

Her: Oh. But it's the exact color dress I want! Will you sell yours to me?

At this point, I simply demanded my dress back (she was STILL holding onto it!) and walked away, checking to see that I was, yes indeed, at Macy's and not Walmart or Target! 

I decided that the jade green shoe was a close enough match to my "Bosporus" green dress and asked the saleslady for assistance. That's when the second crazy exchange of the day occurred:

Saleslady: Oh, this shoe doesn't match at all. You should try one in gold; that will go with both of your dresses [I was also holding a royal blue dress].

Me: I have a pair of rose gold sandals, but I want a closed toe pump or stiletto for the office.

SL: Oh, well these won't do...they look awful with the blue dress.

Me (under my breath): No shit, I'm not color-blind.

SL: How about this shoe? This would look PERFECT! It's a perfect match for both dresses!

I'm not seeing the match...

Me: GOOD GOD, NO!...I'm sorry I didn't mean to react so vehemently. I just really, really hate large floral patterns. As you can see [from the way I was dressed and the dresses I was holding] I prefer solids. 

Mind you, the above shoe matched neither one of my dresses, and it was blatantly obvious in person. The blue floral shoe was, however, twice the cost of the jade green shoe I was considering. Ah, the commissioned worker! Just one more issue I don't have to deal with when I shop online. Is it any wonder why the Internet is killing it when it comes to retail shopping?

KJM

06.12.2018

(The weird thing is, this shoe is actually growing on me...)