mi·sog·y·ny /məˈsäjənē/ noun: dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women.
mis·an·dry /miˈsandrē/ noun: dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against men.
The Battle of the Sexes is nothing new, with instances of it going back to the dawn of humanity - think the
legend of Lilith or the
story of Adam and Eve. Men and women are yin and yang, a delicate balance, the conception of one impossible without the other - and many would argue that the moment of conception is the first and only time that masculine and feminine come together as equals - as sperm and ovum, each as dependent upon the other to reach a common goal.
As a Gender Studies scholar, I get a lot of flack from my fellow feminists for my study of male behavior and the sociological/anthropological views of what constitutes masculinity. While this is understandable - Gender Studies programs sprung from an expansion of established Women's Studies programs - I cannot help but wonder if that anger stems from the fear of having "our" program taken over by men, for anger is often times fear putting on a brave face in the presence of danger. This attitude often leads to misandristic rants equal in force to the misogynistic arguments that lead us to cry foul. So why isn't misandry considered as unacceptable as misogyny? In a phrase, power dynamics.
A woman's power is unequal to a man's in many ways - in some it is woefully less, yet in others it crushes its masculine counterpart. Politically speaking, women are dominated by the rule of law set down by majority male legislative bodies and historically these laws have favored men: up until a generation ago, domestic violence was considered a private matter; marital rape was legal; and it was perfectly acceptable to discriminate against a woman on the basis of her marital status. However, political power only covers the laws of our courts (and women, having made strides in this area, continue the fight our fore-mothers started). There is another form of power that women yield and that power is the benefit of public opinion and the power its figurative court bestows.
Woman as Mother - yes, with a capital M - commands a sense of respect that borders on worship. While we may mistreat our own Moms, nobody else had better dare insult her. A man may not be able to stand the sight of his ex-wife, but he is thankful to her for the existence of his children and all that she does for their care. A father can spend years coaching his son's sports teams, pushing him to glory, but it is Mom to whom the son dedicates his first championship win. This sense of awe is visible in the
grossly unequal spending between Mother's Day and Father's Day, where the money spent on gifts for Moms outpaces that spent on Dads by billions of dollars. Yes,
billions, with a "b". The power that comes with living in the glow of such awe - even reflexively, for her status as mother is assumed after a certain age - allows women to get away with abusive speech far more than men.
Women can publicly shame their husbands on social media for laughs. Copious amounts of print media have been dedicated to women's complaints about how men do not carry their share of the domestic workload - yet men are shamed through "humor" when they try to help and fail to live up to their wives' standards of how the job should be done. When a woman complains that her husband did not properly mop the floor, then launches into an exaggerated description of the train wreck that was his efforts, she is met with laughter; if a man were to do the equivalent of his wife's efforts to take on a traditionally masculine chore he would be met with stony silence, at best, or - more likely than not - a tirade of shame for not doing his part and then subjecting the woman he purportedly loves to public humiliation.
Misogyny, a more commonly recognized societal ill, also takes the frequent form of "humor". The trope of the frigid wife fills entire chapters of
Truly Tasteless Jokes books; the "dumb blonde" in blonde jokes is always a female; and a woman who enjoys casual sex as much as a man is seen as someone to have fun with, but not the kind of woman you would want to marry or bear your children. Abuse disguised as humor is still abuse and it is only in recognizing that abuse can we work to overcome it.
To follow are tips to recognize misogyny and misandry when disguised as humor:
1. The person who is "joking" excessively or exclusively targets one sex
Some people are great at "roast" humor, putting someone down by pointing out obvious personality flaws in a humorous way. This humor becomes abusive when the target's feelings get hurt and the person "joking" marginalizes these hurt feelings, telling the butt of the joke to grow a thicker skin or calling them a "snowflake". In such cases, examine the "joker's" humor - is it excessively or exclusively aimed towards one sex? If so it is abuse disguised as humor, the goal being social acceptance of the emotional domination of the subject.
2. The "humorous" insults are gender specific or in any way a put-down to the subject's gender (i.e. calling a man "Nancy")
Like it or not, society judges people on the basis of traditional masculinity and femininity, respectively. A woman may be tough as nails, enjoy hunting and fishing, chew tobacco, and in every respect come off as one of the guys...but that doesn't mean she
is a guy; joking about her sexuality - asking if she is
sure she "doesn't want a dick, and not in the way most women want one" - is abusive. On a similar note, making fun of a man because he orders a salad and a glass of Chardonnay at a sports pub during the Super Bowl is not okay, either. (Yes, I did that once, to a guy I was dating, and I know I should feel shame; I'm working on it).
3. The "humor" is physically violent or torturous to the subject
Tickling can be fun - until it's not. Punching someone in the arm can be good-natured - until it hurts. Sneaking up behind someone and yelling "BOO!" can get a laugh - unless it makes the recipient cry. While these forms of abusive humor are not exclusively sex-based, often times they are, and are used to express dominance over the opposite sex while proclaiming innocence. Tickling to the point of pain starts with laughter, complaining of a punch to the bicep is met with accusations of weakness, and fright over a surprise approach of being a "scardy-cat" or a "wuss". All of these behaviors shift blame to the victim for being "unable to take a joke".
It is only by learning to respect each other as both individuals and as part of a larger cohort that the Battle of the Sexes can reach a peaceful truce. It is only by offering each other equal respect that we can move forward in the battle for understanding between the sexes. Learning to take a joke is only a part of this battle; learning what is not a joke is the bigger issue at hand.
KJM
05.12.2020
