Body Shaming, Instinct, and Living Fit

Until yesterday, I had never heard of plus-sized model Tess Holliday. Yesterday was when her picture was all over my Twitter feed because she shared her story about her abortion. I had a very visceral reaction to the sight of her. I cannot say I was proud of my thoughts, which could be classified as body-shaming, but I cannot say I am shamed by them either - that is what a visceral reaction is; it comes from somewhere deep down inside of you and is not connected to any sense of logic or intellect.

Model Tess Holliday. Photo credit: SELF Magazine, Facebook

While I am certain that Ms. Holliday's husband and children think her the most beautiful woman in the world - and if they do not, I would like to have a word with them, because they should think her the most beautiful woman in the world - my instinctive reaction was not about Ms. Holliday. My highly charged reaction was not about cultural standards of beauty and what constitutes it. My reaction was deeply personal.

I was born with autoimmune endocrine issues, leaving my body unable to control its homeostatic functions - metabolism, blood pressure, glucose levels. I was not diagnosed until adulthood, which made me a lethargic child prone to weight issues. As an adult, I watch my thyroid function like a hawk - if my hormones are too high or too low, my metabolism shuts down and my glucose levels skyrocket; this puts me at risk of complications from diabetes. Have you ever seen complications from diabetes? The mere thought of them is enough to push me into the gym every day.

I have met people who were stricken blind overnight from diabetic retinopathy, a complication of unchecked diabetes. In most cases, the damage was reversible; not all were so lucky. I have met people who have lost nerve function (nephropathy) and were left unable to drive because they could no longer feel their feet - also due to unchecked diabetes. Sadly, I have met people who lost body parts to diabetic ulcerations - toes, feet, entire legs. I have seen people whose skin is sloughing off of their bodies (I'll spare you the pictures, but here is a link). In nearly every case, these people had one thing in common: they were morbidly obese; at least 50 pounds overweight, most far heavier, which led to uncontrollably high blood glucose. While being overweight does not guarantee that you will develop Type II diabetes - there is a largely genetic component to it - obesity plus a lack of exercise and the poor diet that often leads to obesity does contribute heavily to the development of the condition. And that is where my reaction to Tess Holliday comes into play.

As the headline in the picture states, Tess Holliday's health is none of my business. It really isn't; it's her own business, but it serves as a stark reminder to me that I need to keep my weight in check in order to achieve long-term good health. I need to do what I must do to motivate myself to workout when I don't feel like it, to choose chick pea chips when I would rather be eating potato chips, and to pass on the deep dish pizza. If listening to that body-shaming voice inside my head is what motivates me, that is my business and I will not be shamed for an unvoiced instinctive response that may or may not show on my face.

I would never body-shame someone (too heavy or too thin) out loud. I would never express concern about their weight because perhaps their weight is a result of illness and the medication required to treat it. Or maybe it's a matter of genetics, or maybe it is a result of poor diet and a lack of exercise...but maybe they are comfortable with the way they look and feel. Who am I to judge them? This last fact - who am I to judge - is what made me uncomfortable with my own instinctive reaction, and that discomfort led me to examine it and that examination led me to write about it because that is what writers do - we write: to explain, to understand, to inform, and sometimes just because.

We can all be beautiful at any size, but not all of us can be healthy at any size. I know that I can't. Is Tess Holliday one of the lucky ones? That ain't nobody's business but her own.

Photo credit: Metro News

KJM
05.17.2019