12 Pounds Too Heavy

I went to the doctor a few weeks ago for my annual physical. Everything checked out great - my weight is within medically acceptable range for my height, my hemoglobin A1c is normal - great news for a diabetic like me! - and all of my blood serum levels are where they should be, although my sodium was on the low side (what's your theory, Trekkies?). Yes, my cholesterol is great, my blood pressure was perfect, my hypothyroidism is well controlled...and the doctor's scale showed a 12 pound difference than my bathroom scale.

12 pounds. (That's 5.4 kg to the world beyond my country's borders). I'm stand about 5' 5-1/2" (166 cm), so that is a significant number to anyone, but especially to a woman who is extraordinarily conscious about her health and body image. 12 pounds. A few years back, after a serious illness that led to tremendous weight gain, I spent nine months working my butt off (quite literally) to get back to a healthy weight. 12 pounds. I do cardio five days a week, plus weight training two days a week to build and maintain a healthy level of muscle mass. 12 pounds. I eat a plant-based diet, with meat and dairy as accompaniments to a meal instead of the main course and I monitor both my caloric and nutrient intake, balancing my plate with good fats, low-sugar carbs, resistant starch, and lean proteins. 12 pounds.

12 pounds. I'm still the same person I was before I saw that number on the doctor's regularly calibrated, extremely accurate, digital scale. 12 pounds. My favorite dresses still fit like they always have. 12 pounds. I'm still exceptionally healthy and energetic; I still go walking every day, and bike riding on Sundays. 12 pounds. I still sing along with the overhead radio at the grocery store as I dance my cart full of nutritious food down the aisles and toddlers join in my fun! 12 pounds.

12 pounds. My loved ones have always thought I am beautiful, regardless of my weight. 12 pounds. I still look 15 years younger than I actually am, or so people tell me. 12 pounds. My friends still want to go places with me, to see and be seen. 12 pounds.

12 pounds. I'm still kindhearted and curious and fun to be with - 12 POUNDS! I'm still the kind of person who judges people by the content of their character, not the look and size of their body. TWELVE POUNDS. I still love my curves and can't imagine being drawn any other way but the way I am. TWELVE MOTHERFLAKING POUNDS! So why...why, in spite of all of these positive, wonderful things about me, why does my self-esteem - my very sense of self-worth - oscillate with the number on a scale?

Why do I suddenly feel like the most beautiful woman in the world for discovering that my bathroom scale weighs me 12 pounds too heavy?

KJM
08.16.2020